Longhorn's

11/11/2011

Dad,
Tonight I came by and took you and Mom to dinner at Longhorn's. It was pretty busy, but somehow we managed to get seated as soon as we came in. It was so sweet how you joked with the hostess that I had slipped you a bribe to get us seated so quickly. :)
When we sat down, you took out your napkin and spread it out like a placemat. I don't think Mom and I were really paying attention. I could tell you were having trouble with the menu, but I know how much you love the chopped steak and sweet potato, so I steered you towards the item on the menu. I then helped you order it when the waiter. You also got a salad with the order. And when the salad came out, they placed it on your napkin placemat you had made. You then looked down and the "placemat" and said, "what is this? why don't you have one?" I told you that you had taken your napkin and laid it out like a placemap. You said, "I did?"
I'm reading a story right now about a well known reporter who married another reporter who ended up with Early Onset Alzheimer's. Even though the wife in the story is much younger than you, at her later stages, she is doing things that I am seeing you do, like the placemat thing. And you also seem to want to arrange and rearrange things at the table. And you tend to wring the napkin in your hands, which you never used to do.

Daddy, it's so hard to watch these things you do because I know what they mean. The woman in the story is pretty far along with her Alzheimer's and knowing that she is doing these things and seeing you do them makes my heart rip out of my chest. You are my Daddy and you are doing things that mean you have Alzheimer's. And it is more advanced than I thought and that I think Mom and others realize.

After dinner we went back to the townhouse and sat in Mom's room and talked for a few hours. So very nice to be with you and Mom and goof off and tell stories. You are telling alot more stories from your past. You told me about the time you and Mom went away for the weekend, only to come back to your house on Navarre and have a goat in your backyard. So funny! I had never heard that one before! It's like a treasure trove is being opened and you are sharing the goods with me. When I was getting ready to leave you stood with me and proclaimed, "I feel like the leader of a group of three great people." So very true, indeed. You make my heart melt, Daddy.

The only way I know how to make sense of what is going on and feel like I am holding onto you is to write it down. I want to document what you are going through so I don't miss any signs of trouble and I don't want to forget anything about you and what you are going through. This diagnosis and journey will probably be the hardest thing my family will face. And for you and Mom, I will be strong. But, when I get home, I will pour my heart and tears out because I don't know what else to do.

Daddy, I love you. You are a good, sweet man. I look forward to spending so many more days listening to your stories and being beside you, knowing that you will always be my Daddy.

Forever with love,
Claire